Being myself

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Nearly a year ago my Firm’s LGBT network put on an event named ‘Authenticity in the Workplace’. Ruth Hunt, the CEO of Stonewall, was speaking and I was curious to hear what she had to say and decided to go along.

To that point my Trans experience was really a melting pot of envy, excitement, guilt and shame. I desperately wanted to live as a woman, but it felt like any move in that direction would end in calamity both for me, and for those I love.

The core message of the evening was a ‘lights on’ moment for me. If we are not able to be ourselves then we cannot give of our best. The context of the event was work, but for me I knew it has to apply to the whole of my life.

I came away knowing that I really had to be true to myself and that has to involve change.

As I write, I’m aware that my dysphoria is really strong. For a variety of reasons things are not going as quickly as I would have liked, and as a result I’m really distracted. This is a danger zone for me as it robs the rest of my life from the attention it needs. For me this is a provocation that I need to press on and continue this journey.

By the way, Ruth Hunt was brilliant. She was witty, straight talking and disarmingly vulnerable. I came away with an immense amount of respect for her, and for Stonewall too.

Hello

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Hi!

My name is Nicky. I live in London and I’m Transgender. I’m not able to live ‘out’ just yet, but I am enjoying working out how far I can push the boundaries of the male presentation my friends and family are familiar with.

I could bore you with a whole load of back story ( I’m sure that will follow over time) but for now I’d rather share some things I find interesting and others I feel strongly about.

I finally accepted I was Transgender, and not some kind of freak or pervert, about a year ago and this year has really coincided with something of an explosion in the media and society about Trans people and Trans issues in general. This has made it far easier for me to talk about my gender with those I have chosen to tell, and gives me hope for the journey ahead.

Of course, the road ahead is not without immense challenges. In choosing this path I am risking the loss of friends, employment, housing and possibly even those I love the most. However, I am simply unable to suppress or contain the need to be true to my inner self. This is so very difficult to explain as it’s impossible to rationalise. I only hope that as I am true to myself that this enables me to be a better person.

I hope you can join me on this exciting journey.

With love

Nicky x